MISS AMORE

woman-typist-at-typewriterSend your letters of pining and love lost to Miss Amore for some of the soundest advice of the day – but be warned, there will be no sugar coating! So if you enjoy being preached at and even reprimanded in black and white, there is no better time than the years of our Lord 1900-19-something. New letters featured every Saturday, kindly have yours in by Friday and we shall see about lifting your love woes.

 

Dear Miss Amore,

There is a young woman with whom I am presently spending a great deal of time, and who I should rather like to make my wife – INDEED in a quieter world she would do excellently. She is decent and honest, and she is perfectly groomed as any proper lady should be. Her cooking is first-class. Indeed, if not for her less than palatable connections, I should jump at the opportunity – only it appears her father and uncles keep company with crooked drunkards in the midnight hours! Should I marry the girl and take my chances, can you provide a sage word or two?

In good faith,

Distraught David

Dear Distraught David,

First. Do you feel that you simply cannot live without the lady in question – do you truly love her? If the answer is a resounding ‘yes’, then you must make the best of your lot. You can think yourself dishonored by the lady’s connections – or intrigued. You haven’t everything you want and things are not just right – but nobody is that lucky. Even the most fortunate have crumpled rose leaves under their 40 mattresses of ease! The trick is to make the good outweigh the bad, you see. So you say she is a marvelous cook? Well that is where we shall start. Be like an old negro friend of mine who consoled herself for having only pork chops instead of turkey for her dinner by saying: “Well, thank God, pork chops ain’t got feathers on them and you don’t have to pick ’em anyway.”

Dear Miss Amore,

Knowing how encyclopaedic you are in your knowledge of matters of the heart, I must trespass upon your kindness so far as to ask your advice about a gentleman suitor who recently asked for my hand, and whom I now feel I rejected most unfairly. I do believe his attentions have become woefully mechanical – and that in a sense perhaps, his old love for me is dead – but as my mother so frequently reminds me, I am now 26 years of age and my sisters have all been married off, only I remain. My question to you is this: how might I salvage the gentleman’s proposal and save myself from spinsterhood?

Awaiting your kind response,

Pondering Penny

Dear Pondering Penny,

It appears to me that your mind is resolute on marrying for appearances instead of for desire of it – and if that is the case, then I can only give you one piece of advice: keep your eyes open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Examine your suitor once more – and carefully! – then, if you must, marry him for the sake of your womanly pride, and swallow that pride. It may not be the happiest of marriages due to your motives, but I shall place my hope and yours in this, that he may be so in love with you that his affections take root, blossoming one day in your practical and calculating heart.

 

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